I’m going home next weekend.
I’m looking forward to seeing my sister and my mother, and (yes I know I’m sad) my snake and the kittens.
And yet still I have this…..sinking feeling about it all.
University has given me such a safe haven in that I can (roughly) be myself 24/7, I can smoke and drink and lead my own life. When I was home last time, there were certain circumstances that made it, intolerable, to say the least.
I love my family with all my heart, but it does feel like there’s a black cloud always over their heads and when I get there I have to spend all my time with a wind machine just blowing the clouds away. Not only that, but the nights when they are asleep, if I spend those hours comforting myself I get persecuted for not spending time with them (regardless of the fact they would be sleeping anyway) and caring more about myself. Selfish is a word too often used at my expense by them. I don’t feel selfish. I understand “deserting” them for university could give that impression, but would they rather I ended up a council estate mother, or someone important who is happy following her dreams and, ultimately, able to take care of them financially and otherwise later in life?
I want happiness for them. I want to provide that, even though I know the only person who can bring you true happiness is yourself.
I like being my own person. But I do appreciate those who share my blood.
But where is the compromise?
I wish I could go home to Gemma
